To Seize Life

I wanted it all,

I wanted to live,

I loved everything that life gave and had.

I wanted it all.

I savaged and raped life to its ends,

I seized it by the throat.

But life fought back,

Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesnt,

Its conditions and results are mysterious.

It fought back to make me lose my grip,

Other times it gladly gave itself up to me.

Another entity with a mind of its own she is,

What she thinks, how her mind works, is truly a mystery.

Although results may vary, whatever she does is a blessing,

Id rather provoke her and make her destroy me,

Than leave her alone as if I was already destroyed.

Last saved May 29, 2009

Lust and Guilt

I like it though, holding myself back like this...
it just makes me even more desperate,
than I get creative, submissive, to the point that I would do
anything.

Lust, like wine, I like to savor it, splash it on my face, throw it,
scream at it!! drown myself in it, before I let it down my throat.
How do you do it? do you just drink it when it comes?
or do you make love to it? live it?

Whats so heartbreaking about abstinence is
that, Im not allowed to touch the wine.
and even though I cross the line
and abuse it as if it was mine,
Greater curse comes if I drink it... fine

Ill just wait for my time.
but when it comes
will even God regret he made me wait?
Ill probaly end up killing my wife,,
but Ill make sure she likes it...

I tend to corrupt the girls Im with,
I feel guilty, but I cant control myself.
I dont break them, but they become
as desperate and as creative as me.

which is why its gonna be hard to let this one go...

Fantasy:

And because of what I told her day and day again, she became slowly into something that only my subconsciouus would recognize.  Against my desires, though according to my will she transformed essence by essence, into a bestial queen, a goddess of disgrace, whorehouse for lust.  Who was this soul of irrestible mystery, leading one through by concentrated curiosity and wonder; once found it throws its host into deranged placidity, such desire, such satisfaction, such pleasure.  And the rest of the world seems meaningless to pursue.  Deranged, they are left without much reflection  about the state their are actually in, about the matters outside, about a purpose in life, about their living state; pretty soon and gradually one would find himself dead in his mind.  But a mortal can only affect as much as a mortal can, and as far as this goes, the only thing that is kept with any sign of permanence is the defilement, and the dementedness in their hearts as treasure, as it is now seen, is their pleasure.

Last saved April 3, 2009

Obviously Not!

   Nobody knows, nobody understands, Where am I? Why am I

here? Why do I wonder these things and nobody else does?

Am I mentally disabled? Altered? is it unreasonable to

wonder where I come from?

>>>Every body seems to know the answer (explains why they

don't wonder), they say that we are just meat that grows

and gets recycled. They say "We come from each other,

I am part of these and you are part of those. This is who

we are.  Ignore that we use to be inanimate, ignore that

we have a conscience, ignore that we wonder, lets just not

wonder. We are just meat that grows and gets recycled,

we dont live, we dont think, we just are. We are just

bodies, without a purpose, without a care, the living

dead."

>>>But I still wonder, I am not just this body, I am

something else, something deep within my physical being.

I am not saying that I have a spirit, I am not saying that

I have a soul, I am saying that I just am. And I dont

understand why or how I am.

>If the world could have been satisfied, if the universe

would have existed without an incentive to move, why

is there life? Why is there me? Is our purpose to die

and never live again? Is that our unfortunate hand? if so

why live?

>>>Its weird, I know that my "am" is not just this body,

I know that my body is not all that I am. Do machines have

life? do computers think on their own? do rocks have a

conscience? do robots know they exist?

>>>They say our body is an amazing machine, they say

that our consciousness comes from our body. They say

we come from the womb, the womb and cell. They say that

we are programmed, like computers, to be just how we are.

But I wonder, and I know that I am not like a computer.

Computers exist, but they don't know it. I exist, and I am

more lucid about the fact. But nobody else thinks so, they

solve life's problems and answer the meaning of life with

physics and psychology. But I wonder, there is more, is

there more? Like a first grader learns how to divide and

subtract and he thinks that's all there is to ever know,

not knowing that the world involves more complex concepts,

like imaginary numbers, dimensions, and non-existants: A

scientist believes that all there is to this world

is ALL these complex concepts, everything that is covered

by this spectrum, and Nothing more, not knowing that there are greater things than those that can be seen, calculated,

and imagined. There is, those have to be.

>If anything can exist, and there are things that exist

that we dont know of, then, there are things that exist that we dont know of. Something out there far away, that

hear us and see us, sense us without need of light, the

possibilty is true. It is as true as our memories (which

we can also not be sure if they are true).

Why does nobody care? Why doesnt anybody wonder?

Why does everybody live with the mentality that they know

all that exist and anything they don't know doesnt exist?

Is there anyone else out there that thinks that they are

alive? Do I have a mental disorder to think like this?

or is it them?

>>>>>I say there is a God, someone that helps me and keeps

me on check. They keep telling me

"THERE IS NO...SUCH... THING!!",

>>>>>They convince me, and expel the God from my

consideration!!! I reason that ther is no real purpose

to life. If I will just die, and when my body dies its

all over, I die; and if there is nothing else in the

world to live for, except for the world (with any of

its artificial commercial motives), then this life that

THEY lead is nothing but a fantasy, a mere implanted

role to fool them to think that their life and their

successes matter; but if there is no God, there is no

point, no purpose, we are all defeated by death at

the end.

>>>>>In the end... there is nothing. All your accomplishments are gone. These things in life are just

to make you think that life matters, but it doesnt. This

life s what the media says it is, its a commercial role.

Thats all it is. This universe is as good as SURREAL. And

all this is as valuable as a dream.

>When I kill and scare,I rape and terrorize, horrify; this

life is as good as a dream, and it is all my dream (and

you can't tell me otherwise).  I am in control, and just

like in a dream, I make my own doom by believing, deep

in my heart believing, that I am doomed, so it is in this

world. So I shall not believe in my doom.

>They may run afraid and desperate, but what do they care?

Alive they may be, but they don't know it, they don't

appreciate it. To themselves they are just programmed to

be afraid and run away (and so they shall). They are just

like puppets on the playground, like characters in a

computer game. They dont even wonder, they just run, and

live like they are commanded by the media.

>As for me, I am stuck n this surreal world without a

purpose I am like Lucifer chained down in that bottomless

pit, stuck forever, never to get out,without hope of

healing this wondering that they, finally, call

insanity.  My purpose is...not to terrorize, I just have

nothing better to do. And nothing is better than anything

because it all ends in nothing anyways.  Just like they

said. My purpose is...not to terrorize, my purpose is not.

-----But then, I can't afford to have been...

right after all

first I go through my annoyance at
scientific explaination of life and consciousness.

Then I go through my disrespect towards scientific pride
that says that logic aand science is the only God, and
there is nothing else that is valid in the world... like if
Truth can be captured by human minds. To this I respond
that what we sense and are able to think about cannot be the only thing that exists, or at least that, we cannot say that
it is the only things that exist.

Then I express my appall at the amount of people in the world,
so many people that surround me that do not even consider
these things, to which I wonder "do they even know that they
are alive? or are they just cruisin along in life like they
would if they were dead?"

Then I present a peradventure of me realizing that there is
no God,and how I would appreciate life if there really was no
God. This is what I would do if I was an atheist. I wonder
why arent atheist living life like they are suppose to,
I mean gosh there are so many people to rape out there, and
why would you be concerned about having a "good" life if
there is no afterlife and all your memories disappear, when
you die, like if you never lived at all. To the lifestyle of
atheists I conclude that they must be living a commercial life,
since they think its bad to rape and have sex with children
just because our country's laws says it is. Why wouldnt an
... nevermind,

finally I conclude my peradventure of being an atheist by
saying that if I lived the perfect life of an atheist, I
cant afford for God to exist. I am not saying that
this is the only or any reason to believe in God
but I just cant afford to be wrong if I dont believe in God.
Well I guess it wouldnt matter if I was an atheist
because my atheist conclusion of myself as an atheist and my christian conclusion of myself as an atheist would be the same.

So if I was an atheist, whether God exists or not,I still have
the same end,which is, a final nothingness and eternal
non-existance.

Last saved March 24, 2009

An improvised poem I wrote for my girlfriend

your a fucking dirty bitch you know that

your name here says:

your stupid and idiotic

your name here says:

you never make any sense

your name here says:

i should take a dump on your face

your name here says:

and kick it

your name here says:

i should cut a whole in your stomach and take a piss inside you!!

your name here says:

I should knock your teeth out and grind them to dust and feed it to rats

your name here says:

as its mixed with poison

your name here says:

BITCH

your name here says:

motherfucker

your name here says:

you deserve to eat garbage

your name here says:

i wanna puke just looking at you

your name here says:

you make my stomach sick i dont even want to touch you

your name here says:

you disgust me

your name here says:

I regret kissing your dirty mouth

your name here says:

you think your so pretty

your name here says:

just look in the mirror why the fuck do yuo even try!?!?!

your name here says:

I would be embarrased to go outside if I were you

your name here says:

At least be considerate and cover your face up before you go into the public

your name here says:

your face is obscene

your name here says:

nobody deserves a greater hell than looking at your face

your name here says:

your a dis grace

your name here says:

you belong in a pile of

your name here says:

corpses

your name here says:

just die bitch

your name here says:

nobody loves you

your name here says:

you should be fed to dogs

your name here says:

but your body must disfigured first so the dogs wont have to llok at you

your name here says:

and I want to be one of those dogs

your name here says:

eating your body, your disgrace

your name here says:

making it part of mine

your name here says:

your disgrace will now be part of me

your name here says:

as i consume you ignorantly, delightfully

your name here says:

I gladly find pleasure in your body

your name here says:

your disgraceful disfigured body

your name here says:

and  i love it

your name here says:

Im gonna try to go to dinnner now okay?

Last saved on January 21, 2009

Live like you were born yesterday

Do not live like you will die tomorrow; if I were to die tomorrow, I would probably end up killing myself.  But live like you were born yesterday.

                When you believe you were born yesterday, everything may seem like magic, as nothing has to make sense::::::::::::::::::: like in dreams:::::::::::: You do not really know the Truth and you do not even know that it is suppose to exist, not yet…  So you will be vulnerable, but are you fooled?  Only if your mind is pressured towards settling and only if your mind longs to be closed:::::::::::::::: *but the principle of this action is foolish anyways*::::::::::::: why would you settle down with the first idea, why would you reject the rest just because they come second, these things are everywhere their number in order should not matter.  But though vulnerable as a new mind, it is never to be fooled as long as it longs for an unknown Truth, (which always exists no matter how much one knows, for Truth, like death, is infinite).  This mind is never to be fooled because it always accepted the probability for something else.

                If you were born yesterday, everything may be amazing.  But what makes something amazing and beautiful?  Is it the patterns, the intricacies, the fact that it IS?  It may NOT be the effort, anymore, or the wonderment with how much something has been pushed, forced against the heavy and consistent effects of Entropy:::::::::: It would not be this that would make it amazing because these kinds of efforts may be unknown anyways.  What would make it amazing is the simple fact that it takes you somewhere else, somewhere new, for the fact that it is complex, perplexing, paradoxical, and its coiling brings new concept and opens new places in your mind.

                Everything new should amaze you:::::::::::: the glorious as well as the horrible::::::::::: should be admired.  If one loves the glorious but rejects the horrors, that one has become ignorant in the way that it has not accepted with open arms something that is inevitable and real.  The reason it is inevitable and real, though it may not have to happen in ones lifetime is because it is possible; ever since (even before) the fall of Lucifer, all things are possible; and we should accept them (the horrors) as we accept existence itself when we are new.  We should admire it as it is something new, though horror it may be, we should be amazed that it is something we have never seen, something we have never felt, or something we have never been, an experience that comes from outside our spectrum of everyday rituals.  We should be amazed at its nonsensical intricacies, at how it expels confusion, how it promotes a blank state of mind, how it induces a desperate-like focus on one plane, one hammered down area of being… incomplete consciousness.  See it, feel it be amazed by it] BUT, since it impels minds to close, you should never allow yourself to be consumed by it.

                The Truth is… time has existed for over millions and millions of years, each individual has existed for less than 120 years,  we ARE new beings, we ARE young, we WERE born “yesterday”; so let us wonder of the Truth behind what we see, let us search for the new.  Because we are so young, there are many things we do not know of and have never felt before, let all these amaze us whether it is good or bad, pleasant or repulsive.  Let us not close our senses to everyday beauties, pleasures and accesses, like breathing and seeing (anything, many things).  Let us understand that the Truth we know is never complete and we should not settle down with what we have.  Let us ponder on possible fates and principles.  Let our souls be drenched with ecstasy as we take a look at the never-ending branches of existence, never-ending.  Let us wonder within and without these branches, (let us wonder with them and without them).

                              --------------------------------------------------There is too much to die tomorrow!

Last saved on September 3, 2008

Nobody should Read This

Although you know that I don't like to believe such thing; it is said that you become like those you hang out with.  If you hang out with jackasses, you become a jckass; If you hang out with potheads,you become a pothead; if you hang out with nerds, then you become a nerd.
I would hate to believe this because what kind of strength of will do we have if we can't hang out with out friends without staying ourselves?

Nevertheless, I have wondered on the idea and I thought,
What about the one who prefers to be around no one, would he become no one? What does it feel like to be no one?
How does it feel to not be.
What would their world be like?
To know what nobody knows, and do what nobody does.
To go where Nobody goes so only Nobody knows where I have been.  I will see what Nobody sees, and where nobody goes I will follow.

... And wether good or bad, I would like to live like Nobody lives...this world is more than nothing..to be alive and not to be...Its a wonder.. its insanity trying to realize..its the dot, the center of every being.
no dimensional..live it

Last saved on August 26, 2008

Something I wrote for my Highschool teacher

For Mr. Mora


A spectacle, a feast, a predicament, a succession of moments?
What could this be that you can't get out of alive.
The dwelling place of mystery:The birth of history:The source of ability:The awakening of matter:The making of the mind (this mind is consciousness):Curiosity of that mind:When souls appear.


 When souls appear, they tend to ignore their own wonder.  They forget their essential soul and miracle of existence once they decide to attend to the needs of its outside self.


 For eons I have been, "not existing," not being, not acting.  For the past eternity, I haven't been able to know, to learn, to observe anything (not even time).
For a whole eternity I have been bound, waiting; then, finally, I was born.  Everything is a wonder compared to where I have been.  Beauties and disgraces, all is an action, a property of life, all is appreciated.


 All things that happen in life are blessing, those are life.  All things that don't happen in life are results of a curse, a limit, those are death.  For the love of life I must do; I must learn, move and think.  I don't want to go back to not existing, not affecting, to death.  I must live while I can and choose to live for the next eternity.
 There might come a time when I would stop, seize to exist; but after that, eternity will be my fodder and infinity will be my home; I'll never seize to exist again to make up for the eternity that I haven't been alive for.
                                                                       


   -God! I love strawberries

On August 26, 2008