new or mix?

?sruoh eseht hguorht detcelloc ew tahw egnarraer ylno ro

,noisnemid wen a hcaer reve ew lliw tub

,sruo ni seceip elzzup ekil sdlrow ynam fo swal

noitanigami fo niatnuof sekirts dnim nehW

9002/12/6 :devaS tsaL

Love Life

What is it boy?

Dont be sad, dont be hopeless, dont be disappointed, heart broken,

Because things happen, because you dont always get what you want,

Because things happen, because things dont always turn out the way you think they should,

Because things happen, because the world doesnt always seem to be in the right.

The world is how it is and you must understand that life is life,

once you do you can ask yourself once again. 

Do I love life? And by Eternity I can see that your answer will be “yes”.

The more you know, the more you love, so, fall in love.

Last Saved: 7/16/2009

Death to Unbelievers, the ignorance of truth

Lay on you the curses of the Lord

You need to learn

Get mauled by lions, die of hunger, get lost

May be the only way youll learn

You are not the best, you are not the strong, you are the innocent and useless

Soon you will not ignore

Chronic hell, lose your mind, and stay alive

You have no victory, only ignorance

But I really wish the best for you

But you cant see this as it is,

What is wrong with all of you

It seems you have forgotten what life is:

What life can do, where you must go, how far it goes.

Paths of disgrace, in horrors face, a typical thing,

The rest of the world, in crisis now, but no one here knows.

Its like you have forgotten what life can bring.

(Are you even listening?)

(These blessings)

Let me remind you

Lay on you the curses of the Lord

You need to learn

Get mauled by lions, die of hunger, get lost

May be the only way youll learn

You are not the best, you are not the strong, you are the innocent and useless

Soon you will not ignore

Chronic hell, lose your mind, and stay alive

You have no victory, only ignorance

(And these are ignorant of what is real in life,

They make their decisions in life according to

artificial morals, artificial importance,

They get their sense of accomplishment of duty,

Through artificial virtues, done by artificial courage,

Because their duty is also and only artificial.)

Last Saved: 9/21/2009

Annoyed Creation

When you ever get tired of breathing

Constantly breathing, the air rushing

And blowing through your nose gets annoying,

The rise and fall of your chest must stop.

When you ever get sick of your heart beat,

The constant pounding on your chest

You cant stand the thought that its

been bugging you your whole life.

Why dont your fingers strecth apart

Enough so that you would feel the releif

To let the space between each finger breathe.

Why is your body so imperfect

That you can never cool down

The constant heat inside your stomach.

You can never relax and stretch your hair.

You just cant stand the life you bear,

And the life of those around you

Never changing always the same ugly faces,

The same chewing motions of those you eat with.

The same routine everyday,

The customs we are forced to keep to pay for our lives

You wake up  every morning, you sleep every night

WE ARE Slaves! To our bodies.

We are slaves to our beliefs,

We do not question the reasons

Of those thing we are forced to keep.

But if we are to seek out freedom

From our muggy constant breath

Or its dry chill, on our throats,

The price we pay is death.

And everyday its all the same

Always sure of what ill do,

Everyday the same face in the mirror

“I am getting sick of you”

Why cant you be something else,

Why cant I escape my body and become a spirit?

Why cant I escape my spirit

Leaving my  essence behind

Everywhere I go I am always here.

Every where I am, I am always with me.

I am never there, I am never far away

From where I am,

I resort to not leaving my realm,

And yet its not enough to escape.

I know no other way to leave my realm

Than to ask existence to rid itself of me.

Last Saved: 10/10/2009

Ancient Malice Cults

We are, we really are trapped in the world we live.

But who made this cursed fantasy?

Could it be from ancient times?

A malice cult that hurt human’s reality,

When the world was filled with these,

and the angels had helped in our defilement.

Oh whats this time,

Was it this time,

When the cults had filled the world with nonsense and confusion

We were all fooled, when the angels came down, they taught us to

Make disgrace and fools out ourselves.

And this abomination lasted, and its present now.

This was the beast, from ancients times,

It made the world that we live in,

Even in holyness we’re blind,

We have no hope until we die, but then its too late.

But why would they do this,

Did they think it was better to live in this fantasy?

To live in a world of made up and lies,

It probably seemed like a good idea at the time,

But what they must have never learned and I hope and wish they did,

Is that this fantasy is not all that crapped up to be when you dont know

That its all just a game.

But this is true, and we play along, we dont know what we are doing

Just following these laws that were installled before we were born.

Something thats called society, what does it mean to be civilized,

Its to be caught in the game of sin, foolishness gets played into justice.

But the saddest part of all,

Is that those that try to escape, are seen as savages, lawless and demented

Because they dont follow along, because they dont just live and die like everybody else is doing it.

They get thrown into institutions, the curse has made these people misunderstood.

But the real insane are the civilized within the society

Those who submit themselves to the beast not reality.

But when will they ever learn, it doesnt seem like thhe end of this misery is coming

When will they ever if possible cleanse themselves from these cults,

The symbols that keep this curse alive.

The only solution that seems to be at reach is to

Kill the whole world and all its insanity, all along  

even with those that think they try, and those that do,

Is it really this hopeless is this what we all must do to solve this problem?

Iis to destroy ourselves our lives so that this curse doesnt get

Carried along to any future generations,

Its like our inheritance must be stopped, at all cost,

We must burn this trait that is stuck in our genes, this foolishness we hold.

Only Reality can help us, and why am I ashamed to say

Once again, that it is all in His hands, but we must all configure.

The doors are open but still we must walk through,

And not do this thing again,

And if there is a judgement imminent

Thank God for our destruction,

Cuz it will rid the world of this filthy insanity.

It seems that even those who try,

Are stuck within their own walls

They also have their own little world, that they may or not escape.

Within the free there are sects, could this be another level of cults?

Could it be that our curse is this much tied into our reality?

No, only in our human minds.

We cant live without it, until our bodies are drastically deformed from what we are now,

To match more with our infinite and Holy Reality.

And that will be my goal in life, to reach something thats impossible

To reach in this world, in this life, with these cursed bodies

With the curse of Ancient superpowers.

And this will be my goal

Somthing I cant reach while Im alive here,

So I’ll just wait for death

Somthing I cant gain while I live in this mind

But its most righteous to follow this.

Unless there is something I dont know,

I will wait for death.

Am I forever ruined?

From birth, this curse in me, in my mind, which plays the limits that we think exist,

Reality is Holy but our minds are cursed, and so we think the curse is real.

How will we ever escape?

Ive been ruined since my birth,

How am I to thank anyone for this life, at least I know that there is such thing,

But its not here.

And so I am only left to contemplate the horizon,

Forever wondering if its what I think it is,

Or just another illusion in a Buddhist sense.

I would kill myself,

but they wouldnt see that I am dying for a purpose,

 and that is to show that this life is worthless as it is.

Oh what great Mercy it would be,

If to my surprise I was able to be saved,

From this world, from this mind,

That is interwoven with the curse of ages,

This curse that it seems Eternal to human beings

This curse that humans worship as if it was God.

This beast that has blocked our view from the Eternal,

Just like the sky has done.

We are all lost,

And our judgement is to come,

I am sure because a world like this cant last forever.

Its made fragile when its lost its connection with Reality,

And its bound to die, whenever that may be.

And I am glad for that.  

Last Saved: 6/21/2009

To dwell on this disparaged element

The more you dwell on this thing, the more successful you become in life.

The more time you “waste”, the more efficient time becomes.

Its the better deal, I would rather plan things out carefully, instead of wsating my time walking down the wrong road... isnt that right?

Instead of choosing what I want, I would rather choose the thing that would get me what I want, one hundred times better.

But its harder than it sounds, as you choose the better deal, you also see opportunities passing by, opportunities lost, all this waiting and ignoring the real world gives you an illusion that you could be doing something better, that you are wasting your time, losing opportunities, things that you will never get a chance to do ever again.  You cant waste your time, you cant let these pass you by.

So you go back to dwell in the real world, back where you were.  Where you dont learn anything, where you have no instruction, where you dont know what the next step is, where things crumble down no matter how you try; you know there is a way but it seems you just cant get it.  Everything is much simpler here, muh easier to watch, even though you are not getting anything done at the end, at you least you can say you tried.  But in the end, little, much less, is ever accomplished.

Last date saved: June 8, 2009

I forgot who I am

Guys...

I dont know if you are noticing or if its just me

But I think we are getting older as we go along.

I think we have forgotten who we are many times,

Too many to count

You have forgotten who you were

And I have forgotten who I am,

And as we keep moving forward in time

Our memories continue to fade

And as we change as time goes by

It doesnt always mean we are getting better.

Guys...

Havent you noticed,

That who we are now is not who we were before.

That school never taught us to talk to our journal every night

And to make a file of the beliefs we hold dear to our hearts,

Those beliefs that are not forgotten because they are immature,

But are forgotten just because they are forgotten.

I am afraid, that if I met myself back in time,

I wouldnt recognize me

I am afraid, though I am sure,

That if I told my younger self who I was,

He would be dissappointed, because it is not what he wanted at all.

And as I think about it, it is not what I want either:

Because even though I have forgotten who I am, I am still me

But I even though I am still me, I have forgotten who I am,

I just dont think anymore.

I have lost touch with myself, my past,

And I think schoolwork is to blame,,,

Schoolwork and youtube...

Oh and jj.am

Last saved May 17, 2009

To Seize Life

I wanted it all,

I wanted to live,

I loved everything that life gave and had.

I wanted it all.

I savaged and raped life to its ends,

I seized it by the throat.

But life fought back,

Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesnt,

Its conditions and results are mysterious.

It fought back to make me lose my grip,

Other times it gladly gave itself up to me.

Another entity with a mind of its own she is,

What she thinks, how her mind works, is truly a mystery.

Although results may vary, whatever she does is a blessing,

Id rather provoke her and make her destroy me,

Than leave her alone as if I was already destroyed.

Last saved May 29, 2009

Lust and Guilt

I like it though, holding myself back like this...
it just makes me even more desperate,
than I get creative, submissive, to the point that I would do
anything.

Lust, like wine, I like to savor it, splash it on my face, throw it,
scream at it!! drown myself in it, before I let it down my throat.
How do you do it? do you just drink it when it comes?
or do you make love to it? live it?

Whats so heartbreaking about abstinence is
that, Im not allowed to touch the wine.
and even though I cross the line
and abuse it as if it was mine,
Greater curse comes if I drink it... fine

Ill just wait for my time.
but when it comes
will even God regret he made me wait?
Ill probaly end up killing my wife,,
but Ill make sure she likes it...

I tend to corrupt the girls Im with,
I feel guilty, but I cant control myself.
I dont break them, but they become
as desperate and as creative as me.

which is why its gonna be hard to let this one go...

Fantasy:

And because of what I told her day and day again, she became slowly into something that only my subconsciouus would recognize.  Against my desires, though according to my will she transformed essence by essence, into a bestial queen, a goddess of disgrace, whorehouse for lust.  Who was this soul of irrestible mystery, leading one through by concentrated curiosity and wonder; once found it throws its host into deranged placidity, such desire, such satisfaction, such pleasure.  And the rest of the world seems meaningless to pursue.  Deranged, they are left without much reflection  about the state their are actually in, about the matters outside, about a purpose in life, about their living state; pretty soon and gradually one would find himself dead in his mind.  But a mortal can only affect as much as a mortal can, and as far as this goes, the only thing that is kept with any sign of permanence is the defilement, and the dementedness in their hearts as treasure, as it is now seen, is their pleasure.

Last saved April 3, 2009

Obviously Not!

   Nobody knows, nobody understands, Where am I? Why am I

here? Why do I wonder these things and nobody else does?

Am I mentally disabled? Altered? is it unreasonable to

wonder where I come from?

>>>Every body seems to know the answer (explains why they

don't wonder), they say that we are just meat that grows

and gets recycled. They say "We come from each other,

I am part of these and you are part of those. This is who

we are.  Ignore that we use to be inanimate, ignore that

we have a conscience, ignore that we wonder, lets just not

wonder. We are just meat that grows and gets recycled,

we dont live, we dont think, we just are. We are just

bodies, without a purpose, without a care, the living

dead."

>>>But I still wonder, I am not just this body, I am

something else, something deep within my physical being.

I am not saying that I have a spirit, I am not saying that

I have a soul, I am saying that I just am. And I dont

understand why or how I am.

>If the world could have been satisfied, if the universe

would have existed without an incentive to move, why

is there life? Why is there me? Is our purpose to die

and never live again? Is that our unfortunate hand? if so

why live?

>>>Its weird, I know that my "am" is not just this body,

I know that my body is not all that I am. Do machines have

life? do computers think on their own? do rocks have a

conscience? do robots know they exist?

>>>They say our body is an amazing machine, they say

that our consciousness comes from our body. They say

we come from the womb, the womb and cell. They say that

we are programmed, like computers, to be just how we are.

But I wonder, and I know that I am not like a computer.

Computers exist, but they don't know it. I exist, and I am

more lucid about the fact. But nobody else thinks so, they

solve life's problems and answer the meaning of life with

physics and psychology. But I wonder, there is more, is

there more? Like a first grader learns how to divide and

subtract and he thinks that's all there is to ever know,

not knowing that the world involves more complex concepts,

like imaginary numbers, dimensions, and non-existants: A

scientist believes that all there is to this world

is ALL these complex concepts, everything that is covered

by this spectrum, and Nothing more, not knowing that there are greater things than those that can be seen, calculated,

and imagined. There is, those have to be.

>If anything can exist, and there are things that exist

that we dont know of, then, there are things that exist that we dont know of. Something out there far away, that

hear us and see us, sense us without need of light, the

possibilty is true. It is as true as our memories (which

we can also not be sure if they are true).

Why does nobody care? Why doesnt anybody wonder?

Why does everybody live with the mentality that they know

all that exist and anything they don't know doesnt exist?

Is there anyone else out there that thinks that they are

alive? Do I have a mental disorder to think like this?

or is it them?

>>>>>I say there is a God, someone that helps me and keeps

me on check. They keep telling me

"THERE IS NO...SUCH... THING!!",

>>>>>They convince me, and expel the God from my

consideration!!! I reason that ther is no real purpose

to life. If I will just die, and when my body dies its

all over, I die; and if there is nothing else in the

world to live for, except for the world (with any of

its artificial commercial motives), then this life that

THEY lead is nothing but a fantasy, a mere implanted

role to fool them to think that their life and their

successes matter; but if there is no God, there is no

point, no purpose, we are all defeated by death at

the end.

>>>>>In the end... there is nothing. All your accomplishments are gone. These things in life are just

to make you think that life matters, but it doesnt. This

life s what the media says it is, its a commercial role.

Thats all it is. This universe is as good as SURREAL. And

all this is as valuable as a dream.

>When I kill and scare,I rape and terrorize, horrify; this

life is as good as a dream, and it is all my dream (and

you can't tell me otherwise).  I am in control, and just

like in a dream, I make my own doom by believing, deep

in my heart believing, that I am doomed, so it is in this

world. So I shall not believe in my doom.

>They may run afraid and desperate, but what do they care?

Alive they may be, but they don't know it, they don't

appreciate it. To themselves they are just programmed to

be afraid and run away (and so they shall). They are just

like puppets on the playground, like characters in a

computer game. They dont even wonder, they just run, and

live like they are commanded by the media.

>As for me, I am stuck n this surreal world without a

purpose I am like Lucifer chained down in that bottomless

pit, stuck forever, never to get out,without hope of

healing this wondering that they, finally, call

insanity.  My purpose is...not to terrorize, I just have

nothing better to do. And nothing is better than anything

because it all ends in nothing anyways.  Just like they

said. My purpose is...not to terrorize, my purpose is not.

-----But then, I can't afford to have been...

right after all

first I go through my annoyance at
scientific explaination of life and consciousness.

Then I go through my disrespect towards scientific pride
that says that logic aand science is the only God, and
there is nothing else that is valid in the world... like if
Truth can be captured by human minds. To this I respond
that what we sense and are able to think about cannot be the only thing that exists, or at least that, we cannot say that
it is the only things that exist.

Then I express my appall at the amount of people in the world,
so many people that surround me that do not even consider
these things, to which I wonder "do they even know that they
are alive? or are they just cruisin along in life like they
would if they were dead?"

Then I present a peradventure of me realizing that there is
no God,and how I would appreciate life if there really was no
God. This is what I would do if I was an atheist. I wonder
why arent atheist living life like they are suppose to,
I mean gosh there are so many people to rape out there, and
why would you be concerned about having a "good" life if
there is no afterlife and all your memories disappear, when
you die, like if you never lived at all. To the lifestyle of
atheists I conclude that they must be living a commercial life,
since they think its bad to rape and have sex with children
just because our country's laws says it is. Why wouldnt an
... nevermind,

finally I conclude my peradventure of being an atheist by
saying that if I lived the perfect life of an atheist, I
cant afford for God to exist. I am not saying that
this is the only or any reason to believe in God
but I just cant afford to be wrong if I dont believe in God.
Well I guess it wouldnt matter if I was an atheist
because my atheist conclusion of myself as an atheist and my christian conclusion of myself as an atheist would be the same.

So if I was an atheist, whether God exists or not,I still have
the same end,which is, a final nothingness and eternal
non-existance.

Last saved March 24, 2009

An improvised poem I wrote for my girlfriend

your a fucking dirty bitch you know that

your name here says:

your stupid and idiotic

your name here says:

you never make any sense

your name here says:

i should take a dump on your face

your name here says:

and kick it

your name here says:

i should cut a whole in your stomach and take a piss inside you!!

your name here says:

I should knock your teeth out and grind them to dust and feed it to rats

your name here says:

as its mixed with poison

your name here says:

BITCH

your name here says:

motherfucker

your name here says:

you deserve to eat garbage

your name here says:

i wanna puke just looking at you

your name here says:

you make my stomach sick i dont even want to touch you

your name here says:

you disgust me

your name here says:

I regret kissing your dirty mouth

your name here says:

you think your so pretty

your name here says:

just look in the mirror why the fuck do yuo even try!?!?!

your name here says:

I would be embarrased to go outside if I were you

your name here says:

At least be considerate and cover your face up before you go into the public

your name here says:

your face is obscene

your name here says:

nobody deserves a greater hell than looking at your face

your name here says:

your a dis grace

your name here says:

you belong in a pile of

your name here says:

corpses

your name here says:

just die bitch

your name here says:

nobody loves you

your name here says:

you should be fed to dogs

your name here says:

but your body must disfigured first so the dogs wont have to llok at you

your name here says:

and I want to be one of those dogs

your name here says:

eating your body, your disgrace

your name here says:

making it part of mine

your name here says:

your disgrace will now be part of me

your name here says:

as i consume you ignorantly, delightfully

your name here says:

I gladly find pleasure in your body

your name here says:

your disgraceful disfigured body

your name here says:

and  i love it

your name here says:

Im gonna try to go to dinnner now okay?

Last saved on January 21, 2009

Live like you were born yesterday

Do not live like you will die tomorrow; if I were to die tomorrow, I would probably end up killing myself.  But live like you were born yesterday.

                When you believe you were born yesterday, everything may seem like magic, as nothing has to make sense::::::::::::::::::: like in dreams:::::::::::: You do not really know the Truth and you do not even know that it is suppose to exist, not yet…  So you will be vulnerable, but are you fooled?  Only if your mind is pressured towards settling and only if your mind longs to be closed:::::::::::::::: *but the principle of this action is foolish anyways*::::::::::::: why would you settle down with the first idea, why would you reject the rest just because they come second, these things are everywhere their number in order should not matter.  But though vulnerable as a new mind, it is never to be fooled as long as it longs for an unknown Truth, (which always exists no matter how much one knows, for Truth, like death, is infinite).  This mind is never to be fooled because it always accepted the probability for something else.

                If you were born yesterday, everything may be amazing.  But what makes something amazing and beautiful?  Is it the patterns, the intricacies, the fact that it IS?  It may NOT be the effort, anymore, or the wonderment with how much something has been pushed, forced against the heavy and consistent effects of Entropy:::::::::: It would not be this that would make it amazing because these kinds of efforts may be unknown anyways.  What would make it amazing is the simple fact that it takes you somewhere else, somewhere new, for the fact that it is complex, perplexing, paradoxical, and its coiling brings new concept and opens new places in your mind.

                Everything new should amaze you:::::::::::: the glorious as well as the horrible::::::::::: should be admired.  If one loves the glorious but rejects the horrors, that one has become ignorant in the way that it has not accepted with open arms something that is inevitable and real.  The reason it is inevitable and real, though it may not have to happen in ones lifetime is because it is possible; ever since (even before) the fall of Lucifer, all things are possible; and we should accept them (the horrors) as we accept existence itself when we are new.  We should admire it as it is something new, though horror it may be, we should be amazed that it is something we have never seen, something we have never felt, or something we have never been, an experience that comes from outside our spectrum of everyday rituals.  We should be amazed at its nonsensical intricacies, at how it expels confusion, how it promotes a blank state of mind, how it induces a desperate-like focus on one plane, one hammered down area of being… incomplete consciousness.  See it, feel it be amazed by it] BUT, since it impels minds to close, you should never allow yourself to be consumed by it.

                The Truth is… time has existed for over millions and millions of years, each individual has existed for less than 120 years,  we ARE new beings, we ARE young, we WERE born “yesterday”; so let us wonder of the Truth behind what we see, let us search for the new.  Because we are so young, there are many things we do not know of and have never felt before, let all these amaze us whether it is good or bad, pleasant or repulsive.  Let us not close our senses to everyday beauties, pleasures and accesses, like breathing and seeing (anything, many things).  Let us understand that the Truth we know is never complete and we should not settle down with what we have.  Let us ponder on possible fates and principles.  Let our souls be drenched with ecstasy as we take a look at the never-ending branches of existence, never-ending.  Let us wonder within and without these branches, (let us wonder with them and without them).

                              --------------------------------------------------There is too much to die tomorrow!

Last saved on September 3, 2008

Nobody should Read This

Although you know that I don't like to believe such thing; it is said that you become like those you hang out with.  If you hang out with jackasses, you become a jckass; If you hang out with potheads,you become a pothead; if you hang out with nerds, then you become a nerd.
I would hate to believe this because what kind of strength of will do we have if we can't hang out with out friends without staying ourselves?

Nevertheless, I have wondered on the idea and I thought,
What about the one who prefers to be around no one, would he become no one? What does it feel like to be no one?
How does it feel to not be.
What would their world be like?
To know what nobody knows, and do what nobody does.
To go where Nobody goes so only Nobody knows where I have been.  I will see what Nobody sees, and where nobody goes I will follow.

... And wether good or bad, I would like to live like Nobody lives...this world is more than nothing..to be alive and not to be...Its a wonder.. its insanity trying to realize..its the dot, the center of every being.
no dimensional..live it

Last saved on August 26, 2008

Something I wrote for my Highschool teacher

For Mr. Mora


A spectacle, a feast, a predicament, a succession of moments?
What could this be that you can't get out of alive.
The dwelling place of mystery:The birth of history:The source of ability:The awakening of matter:The making of the mind (this mind is consciousness):Curiosity of that mind:When souls appear.


 When souls appear, they tend to ignore their own wonder.  They forget their essential soul and miracle of existence once they decide to attend to the needs of its outside self.


 For eons I have been, "not existing," not being, not acting.  For the past eternity, I haven't been able to know, to learn, to observe anything (not even time).
For a whole eternity I have been bound, waiting; then, finally, I was born.  Everything is a wonder compared to where I have been.  Beauties and disgraces, all is an action, a property of life, all is appreciated.


 All things that happen in life are blessing, those are life.  All things that don't happen in life are results of a curse, a limit, those are death.  For the love of life I must do; I must learn, move and think.  I don't want to go back to not existing, not affecting, to death.  I must live while I can and choose to live for the next eternity.
 There might come a time when I would stop, seize to exist; but after that, eternity will be my fodder and infinity will be my home; I'll never seize to exist again to make up for the eternity that I haven't been alive for.
                                                                       


   -God! I love strawberries

On August 26, 2008